blast from the past.

I need to lighten this place up a bit.
It's been a bit dark.

Here goes...

We had some friends visit us over NYE!

We love our buds from home.

Josh and I have known one another since 9th grade.

I love his wife and they are welcoming their first child, Grayson, on my birthday!

We saw some bands, we drank a lot, we ate like foodies and laughed our butts off.

♥

♥

♥

♥

At one of the Gov't Mule shows, we ran into our good friend, Ross and the only person missing was Leigh!!!!

it's poetic. music to my ears.

[via]

Then I heard your voice as clear as day, 
And you told me I should concentrate, 
It was all so strange, 
And so surreal, 
That a ghost should be so practical. 

Only if for a night 
And the only solution was to stand and fight, 
And my body was bruised and 
I was set alight, 
But you came over me like some holy rite, 
And although I was burning, 
You're the only light 
Only if for a night 
-- Florence + The Machine

words. they can heal. and these are just a few.

ds they can help you live again.

your loneliness fades and you understand you're not the only one.

add a sweet but haunting tune, close your eyes and sing it to the world. 

so, i decided to write some words of my own.

i was quite poetic a long time ago, maybe no more but this is more for me than anyone else. 

it's my release. my therapy. it's filled with emotion. be warned . . .

once again i am afraid to fall into a slumber,

my mind will wander off into the darkness.

and i will try to find my way back to the light but it will only flicker a little then go out completely.

and then i am stuck in the black, like his lungs which have in turn become my heart.

i now unwillingly breathe in the smoke that took him away. 

and then i feel a knife in my back;

my past haunting, stabbing me 

and i cannot protect the innocent from the pain. 

a life was once stolen but then found. you won't cast your spells or work your voodoo this time. 

keep your evil to yourself. we have something big in our corner now. you can no longer hurt us. 

so turn around and head back into the blackness, the deep.

let it swallow you whole. don't grab ahold as we did. we will only cut you down, down, down.

we once whispered loudly but now we scream in silence for all to hear.

-- Summer Athena B.

[via]

broken . . .

i found out that someone i love dearly, {my heart and my blood}, has been hurt and hurt badly. 

i cannot air my dirty laundry because an investigation is under way, but this is no laughing matter.

i have been staring at a wall since i was told by this sweet person, that was afraid to tell me b/c she thought i would hate her. hate her? how could i ever. this wasn't her fault. it is never anyone's fault. 

i have never been at such a loss for air, for words, for ways to take this pain away.

and i want to call my daddy. i want to hear what he has to say.

i want him to make it all better like daddies do but he can't.

i am not sure i will have a heart that loves after this.

how could i?

my family has been through enough.

just pray for my family, please.

Oooooh, that smell

Reducing raspberry vinegar and black pepper down is a smelly process!




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

If I build it, will it come?

The last six months of my life have been busy.

I have barely had a break -- going to school and working FT.

However, January/February are very slow months in the food industry and I have had a little more time on my hands.

And honestly, I have no clue what to do with it.

My life has been work, work, work. Study, study, study.

Clock in, clock out.

Mise this, mix that and bake it!

Since I have this newfound time on my hands, all I do is think.

I think about the present, the future and yes, the past.

I think about the goals I have set for myself and check into see if I am right on track.

I feel things are missing even though pastry makes my heart skip a beat.

I am still longing for a child (of my own).

There, I said it.

Yes, we are trying to adopt and having a rough go of it and if it works out, it will be magical but I still long for a baby that would be created out of love with my husband.

And the pregnancy announcements are everywhere. I feel everyone I know is due this Summer.

And I am happy for them. The ones that got pregnant easily, the ones that didn't and the ones that are making their family bigger. But, my heart still aches for my husband and myself and my family.

But aren't I a hypocrite?

I put the baby making on hold after Daddy died and the unexpected pregnancy turned into another loss.

I decided to do something I could control and that was to live my dream of becoming a pastry chef.

So temping, trying, etc. have been put on hold for a year now.

A year and in May, I will be 35.

My chances of conceiving keep going down, so why did I wait?

I waited because I was not in a good place after loss after loss after loss.

I decided to live my life and be in the moment.

However, part of being in the moment means there are good and bad things.

I am constantly learning and growing.

I am proud of this.

But still sad.

I get disappointed when I realize that we started trying in March 2008 and it is almost March 2012 and my Father and Grandfather will never meet my future kids. If kids are even meant for me.

Who knows.

For those that don't know what it is like to be challenged in the baby making department (for no apparent reason other than bad timing and shitastic luck), I hope you never know.

I hope you never know what it is like to yearn for something that seems so simple for others and just get teased time and time again.

Yes, I can conceive on my own because I have.

Yes, we can adopt but it's a tough and expensive process.

It just seems like it may never happen and I think I may have to wrap my mind around this, for reals.

You told me to run with my thoughts.

This is not to garner sympathy but to express my true feelings.

This blog has been missing that for a bit.

But don't you worry, I am always hopeful that I find my . . .

photos via 

PS - I tweet (a lot) and instagram too.

@bontempsathena -- Twitter handle

@summerathena --  Instagram, yo.

thoughts on any given day.

I have been thinking about how to come back to the blog. 

Do I write light-hearted posts? 

Just show photos?

But then I decided that this blog is for me.

It's what I want to write and I can write it when I want to.

So, here goes:

I've been thinking a lot about when I bring up my Dad to friends.

People usually tense up immediately or I get a lot of nods.

But when I speak about the miscarriages, people are more open to listening.

I get folks are uncomfortable talking about death or pain and people that have not lost a parent, really don't get it. I never did.

My life changed the minute my Daddy got sick and then it changed again when he passed on.

I struggle each day trying to find the old Summer in my smile.

I struggle hiding just how much pain I am in with losing Daddy.

And, friends, this is where I am today. Every day, really.

Trying to walk the line between happiness and sadness, teeter-tottering through with a smile on my face and a tear in my eye.

Love,

Me

faces of the B's

Hello friends.

It's been a long time, hasn't it?

I am not really sure where to start.

Do I talk about school, work, married life, family, health, babies?

Maybe I should start off easy???

With some photos right after we rang in the New Year?

Love, 

A and S

A year or two in review...

Happy 2012.

*inspired by the card from the Barkuizen-Hechels.