second in command ain't half bad.

Just some news...

... I got a promotion:   I am now the Pastry Sous Chef at The Dutch.

And I am pretty excited and humbled by this.

Also, this comes a year after graduating from culinary school. 

I think I need to take a minute and pat myself on the back.

;)

Love,

Summer

a mid-week reality check

today is my day off. oh, and i am sick. i push myself to hard. anyway, it's my saturday, so to speak. it's not a normal saturday. my husband is at work, so we cannot hang out. plus i work the pm schedule at a restaurant that does 400-500 covers a day/night.

the point of the above two lines, i don't see him. you see, i have come a long way in my career since finishing culinary school and it comes with a price. and at what cost am i willing to not have a marriage? 

which also brings up the baby issue. want to know the truth? i have no interest in trying to find out i am pregnant and miscarry for a 4th/really 5th time. i still want a child but i am so hurt and still angered that life has taken them all away, including birth mothers. they come into our lives and exit without a care. it's exhausting. i used to think i'd make a great mom. not so sure anymore. everything happens for a reason. but when does that reason say, "surprise, i am here." 

friends i bonded with over fertility issues all have children and they are 2 years +. they have celebrated firsts and falls and all that comes with the territory of having a child or now two. i am happy for my friends. i am thrilled their dreams came true. but mine still hasn't. and some of those friendships have gone away. there is no common interest anymore. and it sucks. but relationships take work and effort. see first two sentences. i don't see my husband. i don't see my friends. i don't talk to my family because i sleep or i work. plus the last 6 months have been pretty trying. hurricane sandy. no home. moving around. a miscarriage that ended badly due to no hospital able to take me in. my hormones are still a mess. no period. 

the good news is we purchased a home. in the west village. nyc. it's lovely. however, the contractors have screwed us and we are living here in a sea of boxes with no kitchen and a half completed bathroom. normally i wouldn't complain but i haven't had any semblance of normalcy in half a year. and i am exhausted. the renovations went way over what we wanted. we also have two, bad leaks from bad plumbing. the kitchen will get started today and all i can think about is, "what will happen next?" did i mention my MIL and two nieces are arriving next Wednesday for a week and staying with us? insert scream.  

i am fortunate in a lot of ways and less fortunate in others. we all are, i guess. but i am depressed. i am sad. i am bitter. i am mad. i try to smile but feel it's fake. my cats are peeing in our new home. ripping up the new rug. they are acting out. there is chaos in the B home and there is nothing i can do to stop it. then i go to work and there is chaos there. i want to run away for a year. i want to just disappear into thin air. my life feels made up. all these bad things that happen. all of these hurdles to jump. is it too much to ask for a break. a boring life, maybe? 

(i think i need to start believing in something bigger,

because i can no longer handle all of this alone)

******

PS

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in and out

Hi there!

I am back, for the moment.

Life has been a bit stressful as of late. Whew. Vacation anyone?

We are back in the West Village. We are out of the sublet in the East Village.

We thought all would be done by now but the only part of the apartment that is done is this one corner of the living room (minus the curtains, coffee and side tables, throw pillows, etc.) and the bedroom. 

Kitchen = one more month.

Bathroom = end of this week.

I am in need of some normalcy and soon!!!!

(New couch from Blu Dot and rug from CB2)

Ciao for now, 

Summer B.

Don't throw it out, re-gift it!

What:  Our 3rd Annual Regift Me Party

When: Mid-Jan

Where: Williamsburg, BKLYN at The Heath's House

There were boys there but the girls are cuter.

And I think the highlight could have been the kangaroo balls as a keychain. 

(Fake ones, of course).

Love, 

Sum Sum

Chefs at Brooklyn Bowl

We had our holiday party in early January at Brooklyn Bowl. 

Just a few photos to recap the fun & to catch you all up on the good times in my life.

Love, 

Sum Sum

but she survived...

i was raped. 

9 months ago.

***

i went to the ER.

i went through the rape kit.

the results came back.

i wasn't lying.

i didn't press charges.

it would have been a trial from hell and i did not want to put myself or my family through that.

selfish? yes. why not bring a rapist to justice?

because i was intoxicated and when awoken by this act of horror, i didn't run. 

i just begged for it to stop. 

and apparently a jury would think that was suspicious of me.

and that's not the worst of it. for me at least.

***

i see this person a few times a week.

an apology came and went.

then news of his unborn child hit my ears.

how can someone so ugly and dangerous become a parent?

why do i have to be the brave one each day?

why do i have to hide the hurt because no one will derail me from my goals?

am i crazy?

i believe karma took my babies away from me.

that i did something so bad, that life and the heavens would punish me.

what about this monster? 

karma brings him a child of his own? gives him a promotion?

my days of being naive and vulnerable are gone.

***

i am hardened and hurting.

but i smile through it.

and that is getting tiring.

so, i am telling you my story because sometimes i need your love and support.

sometimes i just need a hug.

and my dad to come back and beat the living shit out of him.

but since that can't happen, i will continue to be a survivor.

i will try to move forward and not let someone hold me back from living.

and if you are reading this and are loved dearly by me but i never said anything, it was because i couldn't.

and now i can, publicly for the world to hear. 

Room where you live -- some of the time.

It's time to pick out things for our new living room!

I have lots of ideas but have a hard time tying them together.

But I am getting closer!!

Check out some of my ideas and feel free to share which you like more.

(1) latitude dresser , (2) alba credenza 

(1) totem rug (purchased!!), (2) texturas rug

(1) toorie curtain (no longer availble - UGH), (2) between a rock lamp, (3) dot acacia side table

Love,

Sum

i am not me.

i am not myself.

i am a bit unhappy.

these curveballs are making me nuts.

need to find some peace in my life. 

not sure where to start. 

miss this little, blogging community.

i would blog more but i hate admitting weakness.

and as of late, i am very weak.

my posts are not always fluffy. 

they are not kid-filled.

 no interesting diy projects.

i'm not living my life to the fullest. 

because i am tired. very very very tired.

and a bit sad.

no motivation. a bit angry. confused. 

why so much loss? why?

did i choose the right career? i love cooking professionally. i love learning, but i'm not

learning anything new. i am just going through the motions.

maybe restaurant life isn't for me? it's hard work. its dedication. 

and i am no spring chicken. 

i don't want to be a 35-40 year old cook. i want to have ideas and see them through.

i dunno. i am lost. 

i want my "me" back.

fate and ornaments

This year I participated in Dolce Vita's Annual Ornament exchange hosted by the lovely, new momma, Micaela.

I was paired up with a lady named Jo of hey, jo. 

{Thank you, M.}

I am not sure it could have worked out any better. 

Jo and I have a lot in common. 

Good and bad stuff. 

One thing is we both lost our Dads. 

It was an instant connection. 

In ways I cannot really explain. 

And not just because we both lost someone so dear to us. It's more than that.

I mean, she has a blonde, pixie cut. 

Remember my pixie cut????

Below is the ornament she sent me:

She found it and thought it would be perfect and she was right. 

It's just like my tattoo and it is hanging on our wall since our trees are about 6 inches high. ;)

I love it and look at it each and every day when I wake in the am and when I close my eyes to get some sleep in the pm.

Thank you, Jo, for your kindness, your love and your thoughtfulness.

OH and please send your congrats to my new pal. 

She just got engaged!!!!!

holiday decor done differently in 2012

as you all know, we are still unable to live in our apartment down at the Seaport.

this is also where all of my treasured ornaments are stored away. {insert sad face}

below is our tree and Christmas photo from last year. 

remember?? 

we "whisked" you all happy holidays, etc.

gosh, i love that tree and all the special ornaments that go on it.

ok. to the point i go. all that talk above leads this random, all over the place post to our 2012 decor . . .

above: mini trees (made by moi), a "green" tree made out of magazine pages from TJ MAXX, tinsel from a great friend and stockings.

oh, a close-up of the stockings? sure, why not. thank you, Land of Nod pop-up shop.

and this concludes the Brownie home Christmas tour.

Take a cookie on your way out. 

xo,

Summer Athena

wishes + lists: part one

//1// ring //2// kitty studs //3// chevron ring //4// triangle studs //5// memorial charms

//6// just breathe necklace //7// geo wooden necklace //8// rings

//9// ring //10// abstract necklace //11// hand chain

purr

AND

Oui, I am a kitty momma.

These boys are adorable. 

They cuddle with me all of the time.

They run, slide and flip when they chase their mice (from their bloggy friends).

They keep me smiling.

PS -- thought we needed a light-hearted post.

XO,

Summer Athena

the gate that keeps me out.

there are days that i wake up and i am ready to conquer the world. then there are days where i can only dream of sleeping forever. 

sometimes i walk down a street and my mind is busy thinking of what wonderful things will come my way; i imagine all the great opportunities that will arise.

and then there are days where i walk by a playground and see kids playing, toys being thrown and sand flying. but the gate is what stands out to me the most. that gate is teasing me. it's saying 'you can't come in here. you don't have kids. move on.'

this is when i feel life is teasing me. i get knocked up to only lose it. or more like lose 3 +. it's not really fair. plain and simple.

this was a ramble. 

something i needed to get out.

thank you for listening.

age no more

Yesterday I looked in the mirror and in the reflection, I did not recognize the face looking back at me.

I saw an older, exhausted version of myself.

That is when I decided it was time to start taking care of myself -- from the inside out. 

First thing I did was look at how I take care of my skin and thought I would share the products I use.

****

(1) Clean Scene by Murad = I bought this because of the scent and the way it bubbles up on my face. Yup, I am simple.

(2) Frownies = because I have a huge frown line. I think a lot, folks. A lot! Therefore, my thinking/frown line is DEEP. Right in the middle of my eyes deep.

(3) OM Pumpkin Seed Night Serum = amazing for wrinkles, age spots and scars (especially on my arms from the damn ovens).

(4) L'oreal Youth Code = I like kits. I like things that come in packages. I read some reviews and made a choice that this was not too pricey and seemed to make a difference. Little by little.

What are your go-to products for looking younger?

Love,

Summer Athena

our 8th address as a couple, but it's all ours!

(1) + (4) ampersandity

(2) trial by cupcakes

(3) foryoo

*&%$#

The bad news is we won't be able to move back into our South Street Seaport apartment. I mean, there is a slight chance. But it's for like a month.

The good news is we have a place to call home (two air-beds and some towels) until we get kicked out when renovations start.

That is when we will find a temporary, furnished apartment to make our own for a month or maybe two.

And because we do not wish to change our address 5 zillion times, we are going to have all mail sent directly to the co-op we own. If we are not living here, we will come back daily to retrieve items. 

So, what does that mean? 

It means we need a new return address stamp!!!

It's the little things that make me soooo happy.

Which one is your favorite?

I am leaning towards No. 1 or 4.

Love,

Summer Athena

beautiful people

quote via mostexerent

background fabric via BeckSondergaard AW 2012 scarf print

image made with picmonkey

Hello there!

Just an FYI:

I am in love with mint, peach and tan/gold.

Aren't you???

1} Jane Collar Dress

2} Day-trip Caviar Stone Earrings

3} Pecos Bracelet by Son of a Sailor

4} seen on Ramshackle Glam